Bye bye, American Pie

So I went to a wedding reception this weekend in Fort Smith, Arkansas for a college friend who was voted Most Likely to Stay Unmarried. Also, he was voted Most Likely to Be Happy. Coincidence? On my way to the reception, held at an outdoor pavilion, I noticed it was located behind an XXX Adult Superstore. As I drove by and laughed, something caught my eye. An immaculately dressed woman was walking to her car in the parking lot of the porn palace. Just about the time that I determined she was a high-priced call girl making a stop for “groceries” before her visit to Client No. 9, I realized that she was actually a high school-aged girl who was dressed up for prom. She was entering 1 of the 3 cars of prom couples that were in the parking lot.

America, what has happened to our innocence? Back when I went prom, the riskiest thing we did was eat taquitos while watching The Shining. I playfully lamented for the good ol days at the reception until someone accused me of becoming a Republican. I laughed. Then I punched her.

Here’s another fun fact from the wedding: at the reception’s peak, there were approximately 65 people in attendance. Of this group, maybe 2/3 were drinking beer. A keg holds about 15 gallons, or about 1920 oz. The 40 or so imbibers consumer 2 kegs over the course of the evening. (Mom, if you’re reading this, I only had 2 Frescas. Also, I’m sorry I crank-called you at 3 am. That was the Fresca.)

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